Chapter 4. Yin and Yang
When it comes to sex, the basic reality is that the man is in the driver’s seat a lot of the time, and the woman is hoping and yearning for him take her somewhere she actually wants to go. This is to some extent a simple matter of our different, opposite and perfectly matching sexual physiology: the penis (lingam in Indian Sanskrit, the language of the Kama Sutra, the ancient book of love) and vagina (yoni in Sanskrit). In most of the possible sexual positions that men and women can contort themselves into, it’s necessary for the man to assume the active role, moving his lingam within her yoni, while she receives and responds to his active, masculine energy.
This simple anatomical construct automatically sets up a paradigm in which the man is in a certain amount of control over where things go. The man determines the speed, the pace, the rhythm, the force of the lovemaking, as the woman responds physically, mentally and emotionally to match the rhythm and pace set by the man. Ideally, of course, there is awareness of each other and communication, and the man also adjusts to accommodate the woman, as well as allows her to take the reigns when she chooses. But if not, then the male energy tends to be dominant.
And of course, this physical reality of the complementary opposites of male and female goes well beyond the act of sex, as it is a perfect representation of the underlying energetic distinction between masculine and feminine energies in a non-physical sense. The masculine or yang principle is action, force, moving forward, goal oriented, the giver, the call. The feminine or yin principle is receptivity, surrender, trust, embracing, being in the moment, process oriented, the response.
But a crucial concept to understand when it comes to finding balance between men and women, often stated but which always bears repeating, is that men are not all masculine and yang, and women are not all feminine and yin. We are each a mix of both, to wildly varying degrees. Men have some spark of the feminine principle within them, as women also contain masculine energy. Some women clearly have more yang than some men, and vice versa.
Recall the Taoist yin-yang symbol, in which two complementary fish-like images, one black and one white, are swirling around one another. And remember that there is a spot of black within the white symbol, and a spot of white within the black. This perfectly captures the dance of masculine (light in this case) and feminine (dark), and is an essential piece of the puzzle. Because it is indicative of the fact that men and women are actually part of one unified, coexisting force of energy, not two completely separate and opposed entities. We are very different in many ways, but wholly equal and both completely necessary for one another‘s existence. And we are inevitably, perpetually, hopelessly intertwined with one another, now and for the rest of eternity. That’s even longer than marriage. It’s worth taking the time and effort to make it an enjoyable relationship.
And yet, as much as we might agree that we are all a mix of yin and yang, masculine and feminine, light and dark, that isn’t to say that finding balance between men and women means throwing away all notions of gender roles and distinctions and acting like we’re all the same. Because as long as men are men and women are women, as long as there is the lingam and the yoni, as long as we have these human physical bodies that are so different, yet both necessary for the continuation of life, then men will tend towards the active, initiating role and women will tend towards the receptive and responsive. This is something we must simply acknowledge and work with, and that is the great challenge for us all in our relationships, to find the proper balance within this framework.
Now, if as a man you feel a hint of pride or superiority for being in the active, initiating position versus the feminine, then this is a good time to notice that and hopefully get beyond it. Unfortunately, that pride on the part of men for having the penis, and everything that goes along with it, has been the source of countless problems between men and women throughout the ages.
If there’s any truth to the concept of penis envy on the part of women, then underneath it most likely is penis resentment, and for good reason. Men have used and abused the potent power of their penises, both literally and figuratively, in every way they can possibly get away with it, to the detriment of the more subtle and less, well, cocky, powers of the feminine. Men are continually obsessed with proving the largeness and greatness of their manhood, both destructively and creatively, often simply for the sake of it; as evidenced by countless phallic symbols erected around the world such as the Eiffel Tower and the Space Needle, that are of little use other than to state boldly to all who witness it: “Here I am, a man who accomplished something.”
But simply having a cock isn’t something to get too puffed up in pride about. Roughly half the world has one, more than three billion people. And believe it or not, you didn’t actually create it. God did (or the processes of evolution, if you prefer), and handed out one of the only two available options somewhat willy-nilly: penis, vagina, penis, vagina, penis, vagina.
So instead of pride for representing the masculine side of things, there’s something else men should feel: responsibility. Because along with power comes accountability (which of course applies equally to the powers of the feminine). But due to the underlying nature of our physical as well as energetic differences, plus the cultural customs that have grown out of these distinctions, men have a great deal of affect on the overall state of relationships between men and women.
As a result of all these dynamics of yin and yang existing on multiple levels, and epitomized by that basic act of the masculine lingam entering, and being received and embraced by the feminine yoni, a woman’s pleasure, satisfaction, joy and happiness is to some extent in a man’s hands. Because the man is the movement, and the woman is the experience of and response to that movement. So be aware and conscious of how you move within women, physically and in all other ways, because that movement has the power to bring pleasure, as well as to bring pain. And when men choose to ignore the effects of how they relate with women, then everyone loses and we all suffer as a result. But women feel it the most.
And correspondingly, all of the beautiful, loving, orgasmic feminine energy that resides within each woman is available to men to experience, to the extent that they are attuned to the feminine and choose to seek it out, and are willing to enter some unknown territory. Most women have been waiting a long time for men to give up all the silly games of distraction and get down to loving them deeply and profoundly. When they do, men will discover that there is another world, another dimension to life, right under their noses, that they have been completely overlooking their entire lives while searching for something else.
Women pretty much know what they want, even if with all their attempts at communication, they don‘t get around to telling you directly. Women want to connect, interact, engage, share, learn, live, love and grow with men in a mutually cooperative and respectful partnership. Men, on the other hand, aren’t so sure they want to take it to that level, because it takes them into a realm of mystery and the unknown, the darkness within.
There is a depth to women and feminine energy that most men are simply nowhere near seeing, not to mention understanding. This book is about bridging that divide between men and women, by giving men some useful information and tools to allow them to better understand a woman’s point of view, and deeper still, a woman‘s heart. But it requires a concerted persistence on the part of the man to find that place within a woman because, simply put, women are complicated. And they’ve been let down and disregarded too often to truly open up to a man when he finally opens his eyes a little wider and takes a deeper look. Women need to know that you aren’t just going to stick a toe in, so to speak, and then decide not to take a swim. Women want to know that you’re going to stick around for the next round, and take it to the next level. Because that‘s when the real dance, the real lovemaking begins.